M did yoga and I took the Koala through her morning routine: undress, get out of soggy diapers, protest about the toilet, wriggle all over the place, take a bird bath in the sink, run around the house without pants, get dressed for the day. This could take anywhere from 30 to 90 minutes, depending on when the poo is involved.
If the poo is already in the diaper, we scrape the poo into the toilet, rinse and wring out the diapers, toss them into the diaper hamper. Sucks, but number two is done. Movin' on.
If the Koala and her colon are feeling cooperative, we sit in tandem on the toilet, she does her business, we thank all the gods, sacrifice goats and do touchdown dances for about an hour.
If she doesn't poo, we play a long long long game of Russian Poolette. We hate changing poopy diapers in the wild, so we wait. And we wait.
And we just keep fucking waiting, but this is the sad, same-ending game we've been playing and losing for the last six weeks or so.
Today, we were lucky, the poo came about an hour into the morning, but it was not so robust which meant we'd see more later. But we had to leave.
This my life now. My thoughts are primarily centered around when the baby and the dog last pooed and updating a mental register of the quality and quantity, in addition to my own personal movement register.
Mine was wipeless this morning.
Mine was wipeless this morning.
We went to brunch at the Koala's godparents', a 20 minute walk from our house. M and I had the luxury of eating with both of our hands freed for the purpose of feeding only ourselves. We also didn't have to defer eating to entertain the Koala with an endless game of up the stairs and down the stairs. The godparents took care of it. We could just simply eat like the normies and there were moments when M and I hugged just because we could.
She pood there. It was incredibly ripe.
Her godparents gave her a rocking dinosaur for Easter. She ate lox and goat cheese. Busied herself with her godparents. We had adult conversations and drank liters of coffee. She harassed M for breast, but not like a crackhead. She fell asleep in the stroller on the way home. She stayed asleep after I put her in bed and went back to sleep after a brief freakout about being alone in the universe. M and I actually had quality alone time and we were even able to watch Grey's.
The Koala woke up during Grey's traumatized by her solitude in space/time, but she let us finish watching anyway, as if to say, this one's on me. We changed her, got ourselves bundled up and went for a walk along the river. The Koala and The Cos played ball.
The adults had rice and vegetables for dinner. The Koala had canned tuna and clumps of rice then hounded M for some breasty. We had almost no food on the floor. We all cleaned together. She helped M load and start the dishwasher then ran to help me vacuum. She loves feeling purposeful. The dog kept her distance.
I gave her her bath and second dinner in the bath. We don't know how it happened, but it's incredibly practical. No messy clothes or floor. No fighting for control of the spoon. Just eating in the tub.
After M put her to bed, I went for a quick 5k with The Cos in the pitch dark. It was a excellent night to run and The Cos was free to dog out. The wind picked up as she and I finished up. A golden retriever bolted out of the darkness to play with her, sniff the stuff, but play quickly turned to hey baby, why don't you show me all eight of your titties, to which The Cos replied with some stern condemnation.
Nonetheless the sexual harassment continued and The Cos' condemnation quickly escalated to growling and face biting. I picked her up and started home, but the retriever wouldn't relent and stayed on The Cos' money maker. We were already away from the river and headed home, then in the very dark distance, I heard a whistle in the wind. I walked toward it into the wind to return the retriever to its owner, The Cos in my arms growling, retriever jumping up at us to get a better look at the merch. It seemed like we walked a long way before we made contact with the owner.
The friendly man took his dog as I told him, "I think that my dog is just now in heat."
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