Reaching out to a Friend

Hello S, 

How you be? You got a kid about the same age as mine right? Still? Yours looks pretty cute, but really, let's talk about a few things. We're looking into selling ours on the black market.

See, my little Koala is a wunderkind and she is as adorable as she is annoying. She must be going through something lately because she's a million times clingier and demanding. Today, she woke up with a heartbroken look on her face that nearly killed me. So we cuddled with her, then she got the love and energy in her and promptly peed on M's yoga mat.

We went to breakfast today. It was good for about three minutes, or until the coffee arrived. Then it was on the chair, off the chair, on the chair, off the chair, cheese, no, cheese!, no, bread, no, water, no, hi people, run into kitchen, hi everybody! crayons, no, CRAYONS, is that hot coffee, coffee, coffeeeeeeee, COFFFFFEEEEEEEE! We had the dog with us as well and she made sure to lay her ass down exactly where the servers walked. Last time we went out to dinner was a month ago. Things were going well until the first course arrived and then nosedived to the point that I had to pay before we got our mains and I stood at the table with baby in hand, scarfing down the food, drinking water straight from the big bottle while M waited outside with the dog.

It's like bringing your pet woodpecker to the symphony. Seems like a totally normal thing to do until you do it. And then the looks from the others come stabbing you in the neck.

M took her and the dog upstairs to the apartment with my keys so she could put her down to sleep this afternoon. I came back from doing groceries across the street for just under 10 minutes. I had to ring the doorbell, but I knew because I am a dad now, that that doorbell would be our misery. I had already muted it a few months ago, but it still causes the dog to bark each time, although we have been training her to treat the doorbell like just another bird in a tree. We carry on like it's not there. 

The dog barked. Why does this have to be the Book of Job? I came in to see M deflated, smiling baby in hand. I put the baby in the sling, she fought me until she realized that it's cozy in the sling and fell asleep the second we walked out the door. I set a timer on my watch to be back in bed in 5 minutes, and as soon as I got to the bedroom, she woke up like, hey! What the fuck is going on here? Whatchu tryin to pull over on me! Get me the fuck out of hereeeeeeee!

I hate most parenting blogs. I think I might start my own. If I could get some time at the computer without being harassed.

I chose you to write because you have a baby. Maybe your baby is the kind I have read about. Oh no, totally pleasant all the time. Sleeps through the night, wipes his own ass, totally fine. If that is the case, I raise a glass of turpentine to you.

Love, 

Tiny