Bogeys

The Koala fell onto the Fatboy while running and the dog licked her face. She didn't like it, but she giggled a lot while pushing the dog's face away.

I watched it all and suddenly started bawling. Moo bawling.

I can't say why or what I felt because right now, all of the goodness has been sucked out of me. In my head, I keep a flask of vodka under my pillow so I was deeply disappointed to realize that I don't even have alcoholism to fall back on.

M and I spoke about something important last night. Some kind of central guiding principle to carry us through difficult moments. I forgot what it was. I could have used it today.

The Koala is going through some kind of growth spurt at the moment that is best described as the Total Bullshit For Everyone Phase. What it looks like on the outside: Koala is fixed on M, won't let her out of her sight, really insistent on breasts, knows in her sleep when the milk truck is thinking about getting up, makes a lot A LOT of angry pterodactyl sounds. From what M tells me, it's a milestone hump in which she begins to understand that M has her own life, sort of, and not just her slave. She's going to want to keep the slave as long as she can, but at some point realizes she might have to switch to a different plan, like, say, indentured servitude and then BAM! She's over the hump and building Teslas in the basement.

She hasn't slept well or long the last couple of days. Yesterday was as lovely as it was a hassle. This morning began at 6:20 when M's alarm went off. I prayed in my deepest of hearts for two things: 1) Tranquilizers in the breast milk. 2) The power to survive whatever the hell happens in the event there is no tranquilizer.

After about 10 minutes, Koala went down. And then she woke up. She looked at me, made angry Pterodactyl sound, dropped her head and closed her eyes. Repeated this roughly every ten minutes until 7:40 when it was go time, as in you better fucking take me to the milk truck or I'ma go apeshit right the fuck now.

Milk truck had to leave and I was numb. She left after maybe some breast feeding, then the Koala freaked out on me for a good hour at least. I just laid in bed and let her scream at me for being an incompetent fool or whatever endless chiding she had going on. M called and the Koala calmed down, waved at the phone, but as soon as the phone clicked, it was full steam ahead.

I got up the strength to get dressed for the cold windy nonsense outside, dress the nuclear alarm system, get the dog ready. After a series of false starts, we got out of the house. The Koala was calm in the stroller, but touchy all day. The dog peed, we went to the bakery, I got breakfast started, but moved very very carefully.

I put on some Harold Budd and Brian Eno. The Koala stopped breakfast to do some interpretive dance. It was a relatively peaceful breakfast. We headed out again to the park this time to exercise the dog. The Koala fell asleep relatively quickly in the stroller and I headed us home, but the path was rife with challenges to the sleep program. One dog who has it out for the Cos ran circles around the stroller barking at our dog. There were kids screaming and dribbling basketballs. Basketballs in Germany? Lots of bogeys on the path.

We got in without incident. I unfastened the dog's jingly collar, I left the baby in the stroller and planned to take the dog up first just in case something set her off and then suddenly, BOOGLEAGAGAGA CLINK CLINK sound from the downstairs neighbor and her custodian level keyring plus bags of fur. The dog barked an alarm sound, the neighbor shrieked, the baby woke up screaming.

I put her in the sling, but she didn't sleep and insisted on staying in the sling. She just cozied up in the thing while I swayed her around the house for about an hour listening to more Harold Budd and Brian Eno.

We picked up M at the train station after a while. M brought takeout, but was wise to eat something beforehand. The Koala immediately melted down when she saw M, we got home, M breastfed her, she calmed down, we had the delicious pan asian takeout M brought. I loaded up on coffee, we all left the house to go to Jenisch Park. On the way, M got us wurst. The baby fell asleep in the stroller, the dog made a new friend, M got us an Orangina in the park, we walked in the hot sun freezing wind, after an hour, the baby woke up, M carried her the rest of the way home.

I cleaned up the house, M played with the Koala, made her dinner and started her bath. I joined them later for dinner in the bathroom. The Koala eventually went down, but not without a fight.